Mae’s Diary, October 1, 1972
Dear diary, from the dark ashes of a cold winter, spring brings love. And from a steamy summer the new found feeling peaks. Then comes fall and with it, the demise of love. These are nature’s seasons, but for me they represent stages of my heartbreak.
After a year of my relationship with John, things took a turn for the worst and he left me. He became selfish and fighting for the survival of himself. Gone was the beautiful spirit I had fallen in love with, and now I see the arrogant person all those around me always saw. I remembered how I ignored the warnings from the guys in his band. They told me John was self-centered, and incapable of loving anyone but himself. I also, disregarded all the broken hearts he left lying about without concern.
Looking back on the day we were no more, it was like any other ordinary day. John said he was going out for awhile, and promised he would be back later. At this stage in our relationship we had been living together for over a year. We had seen the best of times, but also the worst of it. Despite all of this, we were still together, and I thought we had a love that could withstand all the negativity and his estranged love affairs.
How wrong I was, minutes turned into hours and then daybreak finally arrived and he never came back. At least for him it was simple, we were over. To this day, he has never given me a reason or explanation. He never came for his things, cowardly he sent two of friends to pack him up.
Occasionally, I run into to him on the touring circuit, I pretend everything is going great for me. Little does he know, right after he left I was unable to get out of bed. There wasn’t anything anyone could tell me to make me try again, to try at life once more. The only thing I wanted to do was allow my silent tears to wet my pillow. I constantly questioned myself on what I had done wrong for him to alienate me. During that time I had also convinced myself my affair with love was over. Never again, would I love someone as I did John.
I wondered sometime was I being punished for being a disobedient child. I ran away in pursuant of a fantasy, threw away stability and safety of a loving family. Was I finally reaping the harvest of the bad seeds I had sown? Was my father’s prediction of this fast living becoming a reality? Arthur Lee always said the devil’s music would bring me nothing but heartache and failure, not the success I longed for. Maybe he was right, because at this point I had only racked up a broken heart, not the accolades of stardom I was convinced would find me.
For weeks I walked through life in a fog, I was missing rehearsals, and barely showing up for performances. There was talk in the band of searching for a new singer if I didn’t pull out of my funk. The reality of taking my music away from me sent a shock wave through my body, and awakened me. I had to fight back, and decide to live again. Slowly, I begun to allow the bitterness of this heartache to melt. I am taking it one day at a time, in hopes the next day will be much better than the next. Everyone says I should be over this by now, but no one understands how hard it is to get over someone you knew deep down was yours for life. I am now faced with waiting on the winds of change, and with it will bring time to heal me.
One of the guys in my band comes by every night to see how I am doing. He asked me why I am taking all the responsibility of failure. He said when I was ready, and as painful as it would be I needed to travel back to the relationship. Once I relived the memories, I would see it was John who gave up, and didn’t truly love me. He also said John was the one who couldn’t commit, and didn’t understand how precious it was to have love. It was a lesson in heartbreak, but I would survive, he assured me.
Five months have passed, and with each day I grow stronger. We were lucky to get a gig in New York, and when we are not performing, I take long walks through Central Park. One golden autumn afternoon during my stroll through the park, I suddenly realized nature was in the mist of change. Gone was all the greenery, the smell of fresh flowers and birds singing in unison. It was replaced with a rustic scene of life’s realities, and the nakedness of truth could no longer hide in spring’s innocence. I stooped down to pick up a large brown leaf. I took the leaf and crushed it in my hand, and allowed the rusty pieces to fall to the ground. With blurred vision, I stared at this metamorphous of nature. It was reminiscent of my heart that was once so full of love, now broken into tiny pieces.
I stood up and realized it was to let go, time to take the journey to the past. During my journey I would forgive myself, and love myself more than I had loved this man. Once I return from this difficult passage I will try again for another season, with the hopes that this time I will not have to live through a fall.